Break-Ups, Confessions of A Woman, Life, Love, Relationships

The Lessons I Learned About My First Break Up

breaking-up

1. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do regardless of how you two have broken up.

rachel and ross

It does not matter who did the dumping because there will always be a feeling of grief, especially if it was your long-term relationship. It is even more painful when it was your first relationship. I believe our breakup was mutual even though he started the idea of breaking up. All I can remember was that it was a calm decision as if was peaceful. I believed both of us knew months prior to the break up that our relationship was going to be done.

2. Everyone Reacts Differently after breakups.

react

After our breakup, I did not cry. I was sad, but was not crying a river. At first, I had to ask my mother and friends if it was a normal reaction. Unlike me, they experienced being depressed, angry, and at peace. I remembered breaking up with a guy I previously dated before him without crying. What I learned about myself is that I am quick to accept change when it comes to relationships.

3. Love does blind you and sometimes love is just not enough.

different

Looking back into my first relationship during the breakup, I realized the patterns of my actions and the differences that he and I discussed.

When we started dating in high school, being in Love for the first time was exciting. It felt like nothing can get in the way. We daydreamed about the future like a wedding and children. Although it was our fantasy, as we grew older, I realized that we was not on the same page. For example, he wanted like four kids and wanted a big family and I guess he was looking forward to it sooner than I thought. As for me, I did not want to focus on marriage and family, I wanted to think about me and only me first. I did not want to convert to Catholicism because I do not think denominations are important. He wanted to retire in another country and I just refused to live in another country where there is still sexism and fear of getting hurt. I did not feel like being the only race there either.

judge me

When we did long-distance for the first time, we definitely had our differences. He had an idea of me graduating from college and move to Kansas with him so he can finish school. I remembered I said yes at first but it was not out of love, it was because I was lost of what I wanted to do in life. For a year, I have been making unfulfilled promises and I had to look in the mirror and realized that I did not want to move to Kansas. I only said yes to make him happy. I remember there were times when he said that he had a feeling that he loves me more than I loved him.

4. You learned and accept the reason why it did not work.

noding

After investigating my past, I came to accept that my love was not strong as his love for me. Not to say, I did not love him because I would defend him like my family, but the love I have for him is different now. The relationship helped me know what Love felt like, and how I am supposed to be treated. It also made me realized what I do and don’t want for future relationships.

5. It is okay to keep something from the past relationship.

After months of figuring it out what to do with my ex’s gifts. I decided to store all pictures of him on a CD. Of course I am keeping the hard copy pictures like my first prom because they are great memories. As for the stuffed animals, I decided to keep one that symbolizes my first love. As for the rest, I am giving them to children who need toys to play with.

6. It’s awkward as hell to stay in contact with an ex.

akward call

I don’t see how my ex can call me on the phone to check on me every now and then because I am still not use to it. Since the breakup, he has been doing the calling , not me because it’s awkward. I remember I had to tell him to stop contacting me for a while because I was just not ready to be in contact with him. Yes, he may still have feelings for me and trying his best to move on, or just really wanting to know how I am personally living, but it was not in my comfort zone.

When I did answer his call, it was out of guilt and to make him happy.  I learned that I did not have to answer his phone calls unless I wanted to. Last time, I answered his call and for the first time I did not feel awkward…I felt at peace that he is okay, so I can move on peacefully.  Therefore, it is okay to occasionally being in contact with  an ex, but don’t do it too often or you can eventually ruin your next relationship. My rule is that if you are in a new committed relationship, you have to cut all your exes off because it will not be fair to your new partner.

7.  You are NOT alone. Do not fear being alone. Embrace new independence. 

alone

After the breakup, I had to learn how to do things by myself again. Most of time, I have my friends and family to fill in that lonely gap. There are times when I love doing things on my own. With experience being an only child, I KNOW how to entertain myself when it is just me, myself, and I.  When it comes to dating, I am looking forward to meeting different men, but only for a certain amount of time because I am not the type of date that wants to spend the whole day with someone because I love my space. I love the fact that I no longer need to comprise, if I want to do something, I can do it without arguing. Of course the perks of saving more money is a bonus.

5. Relationships changes you for the better.

stronger

I do believe good and bad relationships do change you for the better. From my first relationship, I became more outgoing, I learned to be more honest with myself, I learned a little Spanish and became more open-minded about what is going on in the world. I learned to try new things. I have become more realistic about life.  Therefore, you can come from a healthy relationship and a abusive relationship and change for the better because you will become stronger and know what you want in a partner. So take that break-up like a horse pill that may at first come with bad side effects but eventually it shall pass.

In closing of this blog post, my ex was not a bad guy. In fact, he is the type of boyfriend every woman needs, but unfortunately I was not the girlfriend he deserves to be with. He still may not know that, but eventually he will. I am different now and want different things for my future. If I were to stay with him, I would of kept him waiting until he eventually gets fed up and upset that he wasted some much time with me. He deserves a woman that shares the same vision as him. He needs a woman that loves him as much as he loved me. Therefore, I pray for the best for him.

Well…that is all I can say about breakups so far.  If you have a breakup lesson to share, please comment below. Also, if you need any advice, you can comment below as well.

Life Lesson #91: Plant the seed of the past in the ground, water it with your tears, fertilize it spiritually and let your new beginnings grow.

flower

Thank You,

Lady Elle~

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Break-Ups, Habit, Inspiration, Life, Poetry, Relationships

By The Time He Comes Back…

he returns
Photograph source

By the time he comes back, he thinks he deserves another chance.

By the time he comes back, you are put back into a familiar vulnerable trance.

By the time he comes back, he finds his way through with words you want to hear and see.

By the time he comes back, you bulldoze your protective walls and unlock the door with a hopeful key.

By the time he comes back, eventually, again you take him in.

By the time he comes back, he already wins.

By the time he comes back, you will waste more time and make more room for emotional scars that were beginning to heal.

By the time he comes back, you lose the ones that knew and loved you the most.

By the time he comes back, new excuses and new defensive mechanism are formed around your In-denial post.

By the time he comes back, he is comfortable in his own paradise when he knows he overstayed his welcome.

By the time he comes back, the leopard’s familiar spots on his skin becomes visible day by day.

By the time he comes back, you will call for help to resolve your constant issues.

By the time he comes back, all we can provide are prayers and tissue.

By the time he comes back, you are lost and again paying the cost.

By the time he comes back, you lose the game, you’re not the same, and you are the blame.

By the time he comes back, you drop him, rebuild your wall, and place bandages on your new scars.

By the time he comes back, you might leave the door unlocked, cracked,but hopefully locked.

By the time he comes back, how long will he be blocked?

By the time he comes back, he will find another strategy to come through because he has before.

By the time he comes back, I hope you use the key of closure and lock that door.

By the time he comes back, I hope you don’t look back.

By the time he comes back, I hope your scars on your skin heal and become hard and black.

By the time he comes back, I hope for a new evolution, not devolution.

By the time he comes back, I hope for a resolution, absolution, and revolution.

By the time he comes back, He will let his pride go and finally let you go.

By the time he comes back, I hope he sees you are unbreakable, impeccable, pliable.