Six weeks ago I graduated from the University of Georgia and earned my bachelor’s degree in psychology. That weekend, I was proud, happy, but most of all a hot emotional mess! From the week I graduated and during the holidays I felt as if I was grieving. I could not tell what was wrong with me.
After the weekend graduation celebration, I was pumped and ready to visit my boyfriend in Kansas for the holidays. I remember on the way there, I felt very tired that I mostly slept majority of the trip and when I arrived, I felt….weird but I kept it together thanks to finally seeing his family and having a good time.
The next day, I started to feel more weird like something mentally heavy, weighing my mind and later that night I just bust out crying at the point that I scared my boyfriend and his parents. I was full of sadness out of nowhere. I was crying like someone died, but nobody really died! Also, I was a bit embarrassed because it was the first time I showed my ugly cry in front of his parents ,but they were being supportive cheering me up.
During that first week of my holiday break, I was a whole different person. I know I can be a moody person, but what I was feeling was depression yet more anxiety. I was crying for no apparent reason, I had constant negative thoughts, I felt like I wanted to be alone, and lastly, my appetite was completely gone.
I never expected to feel this way and I did not want to. Lord knows my boyfriend was very worried about me to the point he thought that it was him that was making me act that, but I told him no because I was looking forward to having a good time during the holidays with him. I was just not feeling myself. His mother helped me realize that I may be grieving from graduating from college. It did not make sense to me when she said that because I thought I was suppose to be happy ,but as I look back, I did have a long struggling war of trying to graduate because I could not afford another semester.
That very last semester, I did have a bad time with one class which was Sense and Perception. That course was difficult and very stressful because it did not matter how much I studied, I was failing exams with the SAME damn score. Also, just when I thought the class couldn’t get any worse, I had to pass a final exam that was worth 35% of my grade AND the it was cumulative?! Believe it or not, I read the whole damn textbook and made about a ton of flashcards because the exam was my final shot to pass the course so I can graduate. I took that 50 question exam and passed it with a B-. I was overwhelmed with joy like I won a boxing match in a Rocky movie. Therefore, maybe it was graduation grief.
Not only did I think it was graduation grief, I also thought it was my medication that made my emotions and anxiety worse because I know my everyday anxiety. When I was anxiety, it would be just a lump feeling in my throat and restlessness. But the anxiety I had was more extreme with shaking, constant worry about everything, and just not eating at all. I did some research and surprisingly, other women were feeling this way with it. Therefore, it was time that I flew home and switch my medication.
Now, I feel way much better than before, however, I still feel weird because I am no longer going to class and studying. Everyday, my brain is trying to adjust to this new world of adulthood. I am currently applying for jobs and luckily I have a job interview next week so my prayers are up. Everyday, I have to keep myself busy even making up my bed every morning when I have nowhere to go because I like to feel….accomplished.
Overall, I am ready to conquer this world by storm!
Life Lesson #80: You may have fallen hard and broken your wings ,but wings heal for you to fly again.